I was extremely lucky with my first child, B.  B slept through the night at 1 month of age and never, ever had trouble with sleeping.  My second child, Emmy, not so lucky.  She is now 5 months old and has never slept through the night.  Ok, maybe once she did.  It was when she was 3 months old.  We took a trip to Disneyland right before I returned to work and on one of our last nights there, Emmy slept through the night.  I thought to myself, “you did it.  She’s finally got her sleep down.”  We went home from that trip and Emmy was waking up only once, around 2am.  I would feed her and she would fall right back to sleep.  I was blissful.

Then I returned to work and Emmy turned 4 months.  It was like she was a new baby.  She started to wake up every 1-2 hours.  She didn’t even do that when she was a newborn. It went on for days, weeks.  My husband and I looked at each other every morning, exhausted and battle tested from the night before.  We would look at each other for answers. “Why is this happening?  What can we do?  What are we not doing?”  We would go into every new night hopeful that things would get better.

I started to do what most people desperate for information do, I asked friends, I searched Google.  I would type in “4 month old not sleeping” and 4 month sleep regression would come up.  I found there were two camps of thought around this 1- your baby is learning how to adjust to new cycles of REM sleep, they are not hungry, they need to sooth themselves to sleep ON THEIR OWN. 2- your baby is just a little baby who needs you.  Baby is learning so much during the day that they might not be eating as much as they need, they might be overstimulated during the day, they might just need cuddles.  Go to your child and comfort them in any way they need.  Friends I would ask would not give me too much advice but more sympathize with me.

I came to the conclusion that 4 months sleep regression should actually be called Hell.  Also, 4 month sleep regression is a joke because it does not magically end at 5 months; no, it continues.  There was no rhyme or reason as to why my baby suddenly start to torture us.  It was terrible.  During the day I loved her but at night I found myself hating her.  I would hear her cry and a string of curse words would leave my lips.  At one point, I almost ran out the front door, at 2am in the morning, because I couldn’t take it anymore.  I just wanted sleep, more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  In the dark hours of the night, I’d stare at the clock and count the hours thinking “2 hours until I have to get up and go to work.  Is it worth trying to sleep or should I get up?”  I knew I had hit bottom when I started contemplating leaving as a means to escape my sleep deprivation.  I normally don’t think things like that and in the light of day I would ask myself if I was actually serious or if I was just desperate?  I don’t know what I would have done without my husband, or what he would have done without me.  We both work full time.  We both need sleep.  We both had to be strong when the other couldn’t.

Going through sleep deprivation due to your baby is lonely.  People ask you how the baby is and expect you to glow and answer with joy.  If you even hint at what’s going on or how you’re feeling, you get the shrug off of “that’s just babies, right?”  And some moms want you to believe they are absolutely happy with their child.  They never had a problem.  Their child was an angel and if their child did wake up multiple times a night, it was welcomed.  I had one mom say “I don’t spend time with her during the day so the night time is our time together”  Good for her.  That’s not me.  I need sleep.

I finally only felt comfort when I completely went honest with my friend and told her my fears of hitting rock bottom.  It was then that she admitted to me she had also hit rock bottom.  I finally felt normal, not alone.  It gave me strength.  It gave me resolve.  It motivated me to make things better.  And so my attempt to gain my sleep back began.